The road I have walked for over thirty years seemed as if it was refusing to acknowledge my presence. Something or someone was missing. Even though the sun was shining it was cold with the temperature in the thirty’s. It was also quiet. There was no barking, rustling of leaves nor snorts and sniffs of the air currents. I was alone as my faithful companion Zoe of many years had left this physical world ten days ago on January 11, 2013 to join the rest of her family and companions in the spirit world. Pain is a strange emotion. Sometimes it is sharp and piercing, sometimes it feels as a knot in the stomach that swells and ebbs and leaves you almost breathless.It is a pain that attacks your whole body. It attacks the memory, your thoughts, and it feels like a virus that almost literally brings on total fatigue. You seem to feel no other emotion or sensation but only the emotional loss of your loved one, human or animal. To me there is little difference, love is love and pain is pain . There are periods when you feel numb, as if your emotional defenses were in a protective mode. I feel that one day I will unexpectedly release this well of tears and let it all gush out and relieve the painful pressure that this emotional dam has been holding back. I am trying to convince myself that I should look on the brighter side of love and loss. I should be happy to have had Zoe all the years that I did. The truth is I am happy to have had her as long as I did; however, I still find it very difficult to escape the pain. Love can be more than a two-edged sword. It can have many facets, as joy, frustration, loneliness, elation and passion. To love without reservation one must be brave. You are really placing yourself under someone else’s power. When you choose to love another person you must choose wisely, while when choosing a dog, or any companionable animal, you never have to fear making the wrong choice. You will always be loved. I have been blessed to have had a woman’s love that was given to me without reservation and to have had many animals who have also given me all their love and devotion . I have been greatly blessed, more than most. Most of us have discovered that love can be both bitter and sweet at the same time. Is it worth it? I think so. I have learned that the memory of pain fades away but the joy and sweetness of love remains without diminishing. I need to remember that, and while it is not easy for me I know I must try.
Perhaps tomorrow when I again walk down my road, alone, I will pretend that all my friends and companions are still with me running through the leaves, sniffing and happily barking. This is what I must remember.
That is, As I See It. Roy Lamont
Zoe was lying on the tabletop, and as she was looking at me it was as if I could understand what she was thinking… “it’s o.k. I know you’re hurting too” . As the veterinarian pushed down on the syringe Zoe’s head relaxed and as her head fell backward I whispered in her ear., ” I love you Zoe”. Zoe was gone. Just past noon on Friday, January 11, 2013 once again my world reverberated with pain and sorrow. My companion for many years who saw me through the pain and sorrow from the death of my wife Linda on November 08, 2010 had now joined my wife. I was again alone. Really alone. As I brought Zoe home for burial I felt the loneliness reach out to grasp me and squeeze me until I felt the breath in my lungs seep out slowly and painfully. A grown man was driving and crying and hurting. Arriving at home I realized how much accommodations I had arranged for her. Her two beds, one in the kitchen laundry area and the other in my bedroom. Her water bowls also at the same locations, the fenced in area outside to keep her from roaming and visiting who knows where. Earlier on Friday, Zoe had refused to eat. While on our usual walk to the mailbox Zoe had to once again stop and lie down on the road and I again had to pick her up and carry her back to our home. This time I knew it was different. I knew Zoe had almost run out of her life-force. I called the veterinarian and he confirmed that the renal failure he had diagnosed last September 2012 was having it’s deadly effect and he suggested it was better for her to go to “sleep” now and spare her the continual agony of vomiting and pain which was now evident. On the ride to the veterinarian’s office it was as if I was already in a funereal procession. Sitting on the front seat beside me Zoe rested her head on my leg. I suspect she was sensing the emotional pain I was having, and was in her way saying , “it’s going to be alright”. Today, January 12, 2013 I took my first walk down the road where we used to walk and talk, at least I did, while she walked and sniffed and wagged her tail in joy. Today on the way to the mailbox I was alone without Zoe and it was a most painful experience. The well of tears has filled many times for me recently and now it doesn’t take much emotion to bring the well to overflowing. I miss my faithful and loving friend and I find that love makes no distinction at the loss of a loved one. The pain is the same
And this is how I feel …and As I See It. Roy Lamont
This morning, on this first day of January 01, 2013, I walked out on the deck of my home and found myself totally enveloped by a dense cloud. I felt as if I were really up in the clouds not being able to see anything around or below me. It was a most odd sensation. I experienced the sensation of being high above the ground and floating. I thought this is a very good time to pray, and so I did. Some of what I prayed was for wisdom to understand the scriptures better and that the Holy Spirit of God would continue to be my tutor. I wondered about what God has planned for me now in this world and how I could better understand and be obedient to His plan and will for me. As I looked at this heavy cloud that was hiding everything around me I thought that in this same way, so too does Satan attempt to keep hidden from me the real truths of this world. If I had not seen many times before what was now hidden from me I might have forgotten what was still out there. I thought of this as a similar method used by the devil to cloud our mind with the concerns, desires and the things of this world rather than the truth found in scripture. It is the devil who is slowly attempting to bring about the erasing of the truth from our mind and thoughts. The devil is a technology geek and knows how to keep you busy with texts and Facebook and all the other social networks. He is crowding out everything spiritually good in your mind and replacing it with false illusions of yourself and of this world. Our mind and spirit are developing spiritual cataracts. When we can no longer see the truth we must be able to remember it. This is the value of constant reading and remembering the scriptures. They are truth and life. The time is surely coming when trials and tribulations of this world will not allow us the time we need to read the scriptures. It will be a time when we will have to recall scripture’s wisdom and truth. It will be too late to go looking for scriptural truth, so pray that you will have had the foresight to have planted it deeply into you heart and mind. It will surely be your treasure map to lead you out of the trials and tribulation to a heaven of safety. Many people prepare for hurricanes and other natural disasters that last for a short period of time, but too few are preparing for a calamity of supernatural proportions that could bring about their demise in this world and in the world to come. Prayer and reading of the scriptures is the perfect treatment for mental and spiritual cataracts. Many times recently the thought has come to me that…”we don’t know what we don’t know’. There is much we don’t know and therefore we must be diligent to pursue truth and knowledge of the scriptures. In the scriptures you will find life and truth…..at the very least all the truth you will need to get you from this world to the better one coming.
As for me, that is, As I See It Roy Lamont